Ya know. I was today years old when I found out Jesus wasn't even born today. He wasn't even born in December.
YEAH! I called my brother-in-law, who IS A PASTOR, and he confirmed. Jesus was born closer to sometime in September.
As my kids ripped open presents. Moving from one to the next. Barley grasping the gift they just unwrapped, I thought.
“Is this just me?! WHY do my kids not understand the effort? Time? Consideration? The thought of picking out a specific item for them!! Am I a bad mom? Was I LIKE THIS?!”
The thoughts rang through my ears. As I was barely awake. Watching my daughter open the last 4 to 5 presents that we got her. Because my grandmother/mom decided to let her open whatever she wanted before my husband and I came out of the bedroom. Yeah…
Like WTF?! She didn't THINK to make her wait? Its not as if we took long. But whatever…“She's Old.” I tell myself as I try to calm my mentally ill self down. What can I say? She's my mom. And she just cares. Right? *RIGHT! Don't let your mouth ruin Christmas, Alice. RESPECT YOUR MOTHER, ALICE!* The inner voice rang through my head as I brushed my teeth. Disappointed I missed Pea opening gifts. But then realizing WTF is this Holiday event?
So, I dial down. Talking to Jesus. Praying. “Please don't let me lose my shit over something dumb. Don't ruin Christmas!”
Inhale. Exhale. Stupid remarks. Inhale. Exhale. The child has an attitude. Inhale. Exhale. Trying to help. Get snapped at. Inhale. Exhale. Trying to tell my dog to stop jumping on furniture. Mom says, “Aww, he's fine.” Inhale. Exhale. Trying to be a good mom and play all the games, but the child purposely breaks the ice because she doesn't care if she loses. (Funny now. ) Inhale. Exhale. Restack the ice. It's CHRISTMAS. INHALE. EXHALE.
Gasping for air. And every fiber of my being said, Why?! WHY DO YOU EVEN DO THIS?
You tell yourself ‘Jesus’ because you didn't know any better. The intentions were good. But facts are more satisfying. Knowing what I know now. Next year is gonna be freedom. I can feel it.
I don't know about you. But Christmas has ALWAYS been a big thing in my family. Not because of Jesus. Later on, in my adult life, it was. But in young life, it was just because of Christmas. Simply Christmas. Presents. Family. Card games. Cousins. Sneaking wine coolers. My Nanny/Mom was THE decoration Queen. If you stood on the street and looked through the 3 glass windows that overlooked the entire living room. Our house looked like a Macy's Dept. Store! No joke. Dancing ballerina figurines spun around in our front window. Lights that twinkled on the trees and in my eyes. Anticipation of what was underneath the tree.
Later, in my teenage years. I was Anticipating that family members were gonna call me out for not eating Christmas dinner. Or anything at all that day. Crying to I'm OK by Christina because my high school love broke my heart.
Running down the stairs as a child. Only to realize I wasn't with my mom but my Nanny and Pop and cousins, aunts, and uncles. Later on in life; I would grow to appreciate that love. But back then…I didn't understand.
Fast forward to married life and a huge mistake was made around Christmas time. So an AWESOME! CONSTANT! Reminder of how shitty things could really be. Yup, that always creeps into our minds around the holidays.
This year, I wasn't feeling it. I've had THE HARDEST time with my son. My whole life really. But lately. Fuck…Especially in the last 3 months.
I have a 5-year-old daughter. But ya know what? I wasn't feeling ANYTHING this year! So, I just decided Christmas in my house would be canceled this year! (And This was all before I even realized that Jesus wasn't even born in December!)
I literally put up no decorations this year. Last year..killed it. This year; there was no tree. A lot of these decisions were based upon the reality that we would be celebrating Christmas at my mother's house and she would have all of these things. It is just so much to put up the decorations and take them down and put holes in your walls from all the nails.
When you have a mother that decorates their house, it amazes them. When their home looks like a Department store; you feel some sort of expectation to do the same for your children.
But this year, I just was not feeling it at all. So you know what?! I just didn't. What is the point?!
I don't regret one bit of it.
Fortunately for me, I have a daughter. Who is young enough to manipulate the mind. I would never want to strip her of the magic of Christmas because we all had that. Lie or not. But sometimes as parents; we just need to take a break from all of the duties that are required of us. And if that happens to be in the middle of the holiday season. So be it. ITS OK!
The family had a great Christmas!! My parents are getting older. And the fact I got to spend another Christmas with them is a blessing enough. Even though it was annoying I didn't see Pea open her gifts. My grandparents raised me. It’s definitely a great memory that I’ll always be able to tap into when they're gone. Also, laugh at with Cole and Pea later. My Nanny has made most of my holidays a STANDARD to live up to. And I'm gonna continue that tradition. But MY WAY.
*Also, my mental illnesses always make me think everyone is AGAINST me. Not FOR me. Which is absolutely ridiculous because MY FAMILY loves me. Who gives up their life to raise a grandchild? For real though. Nanny +Pop are OG’s*
Sometimes we get so wrapped up in what we're feeling; we do not see HOW IMPORTANT just the little magic of Christmas gives us. Even if it is a lie.
So, yes, next year I'll put up a tree. But a Detroit Lions tree. And Santa will bring ONE gift. As he always has. My husband works so fucking hard for a LIE to take credit haha I'll continue to spread a little magic. Especially for my daughter who is still so little.
But the holiday is now null and void. I spoke with the family and we decided on FAMILY VACATIONS from now on.
The thought of NEVER having to decorate the house? Sounds like a dream. JUST SAYN.
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